


In Which Gamzee Wanted To Die First

by Gamz



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Not Sadstuck, Other, Sadstuck, Sober Gamzee, Suicide, Terezi is only mentioned, gamkar - Freeform, jk it's sad, one-sided redrom, sad as fuck, sorry - Freeform, this is sad, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-16 13:34:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3490148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gamz/pseuds/Gamz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Feels. Feels. Feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Gamzee Wanted To Die First

It was a child on a swing. Higher. And higher. Even higher. So high, you could touch the sky. So high, you could ruffle the bird's feathers and kick the sun.

 

But the child fell off.

 

Knees scraped, filthy, alone, absolutely terrified.

The child's dad? Gone.

His best friend? Off with the new girl.

Filthy, alone, and absolutely terrified because when this shit happens it seems like the end of the world.

Gamzee stared at his hands. He stared at the ground. He stared at the blood.

Blood.

what the fuck did you do?

WHY THE MOTHERFUCK DID YOU FUCKIN' STOP?

Because it's wrong.

BECAUSE IT'S NECESSARY.

Neglected.

IGNORED.

it's okay.

IT'S NOT ALRIGHT.

I promise.

I PROMISE.

He ran a shaky hand through his matted raven hair. He slid down the wall he was up against and whimpered. What have you /done?/

His mind was full of nightmares. Nightmares hidden from the happy days and the trips and the drugs drugs dRUGS! :oD

But the drugs drugs drugs were gone gone gone.

And so was Karkat.

So was Karkat.

 

So was...

Karkat...

And so was Dad.

And so was Tavros.

They were gone without a single shit given.

 

A door opens. The mentally destroyed child looks up and thinks- ::NONONONONO GET AWAY FROM ME YOU WILL DIE WHAT IF I CARE ABOUT YOU WHAT IF-:: and the other side of this withered child decides that it's a great idea to welcome him. To ask him to stay. Nothing will happen. ...right? :o)

And Karkat approaches. Leave, goddamnit! Leave! So Gamzee stands, a skeleton. He walks up to Karkat and balls his fist in the other's turtleneck collar.

"What," he demands. It isn't a question. Why are you risking yourself. I almost killed the new girl. You weren't there to help me when I fell off the swing, bestfriend. You weren't there to catch me.

 

And then Karkat replied. He was mad.

"I hate you."

And Gamzee's eyes aren't mad. They're understanding.

"I hate me too."

And Karkat gets that lookon his face. The whole 'I didn't even really mean it. I said it to look tough and now look at me' look. The look that almost broke Gamzee (again).

 

And so Karkat continues because he has to be the good-guy leader in comparison to the bad-guy dumbass here. "I've always fucking hated you. That's why I never said I loved you or said you were cute or even agreed to be your fucking moirail in the first place. I just nodded my fucking head and you just didn't get the fact that I hated you. Dumbass clown who can't control himself." He tried to be tough. But he couldn't.

His voice cracked.

And Gamzee's scars itched. They itched and screamed and little hands were going to reach out and claw the rest of his face to shreds so that Karkat wouldn't have to look at it.

His eyes were sad and terrified and lonely and sunken-in. He was alone and he HATED it.

Karkat looked like hell. His hair was burnt and frayed, his sweater gathering what was left of itself near Gamzee's white knuckles.

 

 His heart was ink coloured, his soul an insect-infested shack of loneliness and longing. Purple tears worked watercolour wonders on Gamzee's cheeks. He felt his fist loosen as he almost fell again. His breaths were shaky and he doubled over and grabbed his head and screamed and ran and hit his head on the wall because godDAMNit the voices wouldn't go away. 

And Karkat just stood there.

 

Do something.

DO SOMETHING OR HE'LL KILL HIMSELF YOU DIPSHIT.

 

and Karkat stood. Gamzee was now alone. Terrified and alone and scared and afraid and upset and depressed and ready to die. Gamzee was higher on the swing than he'd ever been before! height and exhilaration and childhood excitement, so high and happy and excited. But height means danger. Exhilaration ties with dread. Excitement precedes disappointment. He was causing more pain than he wanted to in the real world as his 19-human-year-old self. He used to be mellow. Kind. Welcoming.

But Karkat didn't even like him then.

And that's when Gamzee hit his head again.

And again.

And again.

Again.

Againagainagainagainagain.

And that's when Karkat broke. For the first time. Ever. He cared and he loved this broken, withering piece of skin and bone afront him. Red tides met grey shores that were his cheeks as he ran towards Gamzee and just pulled. He pulled this mangled, broken piece of absolute shit away from the wall and red tears met purple. "Gamzee. Fucking stop this batshit right the fuck now."

Gamzee was mad mad mad. "Why the fuck should /you/ care," he spat, venom in his tone. He coughed up blood and smirked. This may be the end. The messiahs were a-comin to take him.

 

Karkat was screaming. "Wipe that STUPID FUCKING SMILE OFF OF YOUR FUCKING FACE. YOU AND YOUR STUPID FUCKING SELF HATRED- LET ME /HELP/ YOU!" Gamzee shook his head. Blood. Indigo. "LOOK. I'm HERE AND I CARE ABOUT YOU AND I WAS L-LYING ABOUT HATING YOU I WAS JUST-" it stung. It pelted into his heart and left a permanent scar. The hunter had shot the deer he'd had on his mind all season. His realisation spoke for itself. His eyes widened as he shook his head, panicked. Nn-no, nonono. Everything is fine.

but it isn't. 

 

"...I- I'm not a leader."

 

Gamzee's mind was a haze. Birds. Flowers. Rain. Storms. Lightning. BurnsburnsbURNS. Gamzee coughed harder.

The voices faded.

He gasped and choked, sputtering a few heartfelt words as he tried to breathe, "Karkat. I know you don't up and feel like that heart shit for me. But that's how I used to feel for you. I would still, probably.

But I can't. I can't. I can't feel.

I'm never happy or sad or mad or scared I just REACT like I am. And I just... I just wanted to all up and say I'm so motherfucking sorry. I'm not worthy of being the one to break you..." His eyes blinked once. Tears. Twice. Tears. Third time...

They didn't open again.

Karkat shuddered. Gritted teeth. Tears. Drowning. Sadness. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in.

Gamzee can't. Not anymore.

And Karkat couldn't feel anything except guilt. He never felt red for Gamzee. Never even imagined it. He hit himself for it.

And he cried and cried because where the fuck did Gamzee go? Where the fuck was his best friend?

It was his fault. He ignored how high he was on the swing. That it was a dangerous height. That knees scraped, alone, and absolutely terrified were the only things visible in Gamzee's future.

But he decided he wanted to flirt with the new girl.

everything is alright, though. It's all fine. I'll fix this, he thinks. It's easy basic three sweep old stuff. This isn't Gamzee. It's just a decoy, right? Mmhmm. Yeah. Gamzee's alive and happy and smiling and not so insane. He's smiling and happy and making stupid jokes. He's happy and smiling and in love with Karkat.

But Karkat, my dear, your story doesn't have a happy ending.

At least, any story of yours involving Gamzee.

 

Have fun with the new girl.


End file.
